I'm getting tired of being around so many people who refuse to try to make themselves happy.
I can't say that I've always been the happiest person. Actually, it's the exact opposite. I grew up believing that I had no value, that I was no more amazing or unique or important than any other person. As such, I didn't try to forge my own happiness. I figured, "This is just the way the world is." and for the most part, I followed what I was told and did what was asked of me.
Someone, I don't remember who, told me when I was very young that I couldn't be an artist when I grew up because they never make any money. A great-aunt told me to marry for money, because "love doesn't put food on the table". I grew up as the oldest child in a family with four children in the ghetto. We didn't really have much money to begin with(though my mom is absolutely fantastic and there was no lack of love in our house). I've never had a strong desire for money.
 |
| My wonderful mom |
When I was in the eighth grade, my science teacher recommended that I take a test to get into an advanced math and science school the next year. I got in, and I hated it there. My junior year, I switched out to a graphic communication course. It was probably the best choice I made in high school. We learned the basics of graphic design, how to use photoshop, how to screen print, and I got to use a drawing tablet for the first time. During this period of time I realized that I really, really wanted to go into art. I didn't care if I didn't make any money. I just wanted to do something that made me happy.
 |
| I have a thing for not smiling in photos, but this is my "secretly pleased" face |
When I graduated, I got my first job and moved out of the house with my boyfriend. Suddenly, money was forced into a new level of importance for me. When I lost that job, through an unfortunate string of events involving my own stubbornness and lack of insight, I wound up in the hospital for dehydration. After I was in the hospital, I hit rock bottom. I was having panic attacks every night for weeks. My personality was skewed in the most horrific ways. I don't know how Eric put up with me. My doctors wouldn't prescribe me any anxiety medications because I didn't seem stressed enough to them. Eventually one day I decided, "I'm sick of being miserable. I want to be my normal self again. I'm more than this.". I had to stop listening to bands like Metallica and Black Sabbath, because they would trip my anxiety. Any little thing that made me anxious, I took note of, and avoided it like the plague.
This entire past year I've been focusing on making myself happier. I'm not doing anything that directly affects the course of my life for anyone but myself. I keep notes on what makes me happy and what doesn't. I'm trying to start my own business so that I can one day work from home and see Eric more. I'm beginning to understand that all the inspirational quotes that I mocked as a teenager are more true than most people know. NOBODY but you can decide whether or not you are happy. If you are willing to follow your own path and not worry about other peoples' expectations, and if you are willing to let go of the things that are making you miserable, you can be the happiest person you know.
